"Some Pig"

I love the book Charlotte's Web...it is the first real chapter book I can remember reading as a kid.  I love how Wilbur, a short-legged "squeaky" little pig, is befriended by sweet Charlotte...and how she makes it her mission to help save him from the chopping block.  It is a story of innocence, friendship, love, real-life heartbreak, and triumph.

What I love most in the story is how Charlotte uses her web to create a saving spot for Wilbur.  The sweet spider surprises the farmer first with "Some Pig"...just two simple little words that sends the farmer and his family into a life-changing ride.  Some Pig...what a description.  Wilbur was some pig...he was able to beat the odds, and with a lot of help and encouragement from the others in the barnyard he was able to triumph over adversity.  Let's face it...without Charlotte and the others Wilbur would have been a crispy strip on a plate before the summer ended.

Tonight I am bragging...full of pride for our little "Wilbur" here at home.  Cade was chosen by his teacher as a "Terrific Kid."  Yes, those irritating little yellow bumper stickers that always made me roll my eyes...we now have one.  The little paper certificate stamped with his name...about to be proudly displayed in our house.  The little blue pencil...snatched up before it could be sharpened to be included in his keepsake book.  We are now the parents of a "Terrific Kid" -- and even though we thought he was pretty terrific already it sure is nice to have someone else say it!

 Just before the program started.

So yesterday I watched through teary eyes as my little four-year-old champion...my brave little man who has battled so much...I watched as he nervously chewed on his shirt sleeve then calmly marched up on the big stage to shake hands and accept his award.  My heart sang as I listened to his teacher's words...even as I prayed he would be able to keep it together to go on the stage, shake with the right hand, let the man put a sticker on his shirt...and I soared as he calmly came off the stage and waved his certificate at my camera.

 Cade and all of the other "Terrific Kids" in PreK and Kindergarten (he is the 4th from the left on the front row - or the only one who isn't holding his certificate up!)

Cade was pretty proud!

Cade's battle is ongoing and his battle scars are many...but I consider this one milestone on our road to recovery from all that autism and sensory processing disorder has stolen from him.  For as much as it is true that when Cade was born I never imagined we would be fighting this battle, it is also true that I did not think he would be able to get this far in the war at only 4 years old.

And just like Wilbur, Cade has had many "Charlotte's" along the way to help him fight his battle.  Kelly, our first OT, helped us find our way when we were so brand new at this.  And then Julianna, who Cade so quickly bonded with in Colorado...she had the ability to really see inside of Cade and help him find his way...she paved the way for his success back home.  And our OT Heather, who has become another family member to us...she can get Cade's full potential out of him more than anyone I know.

Mrs. Teri, who always saw Cade as just another little boy...she has always allowed me to be just another mom instead of a "special needs mom."  And Mrs. McTeer and Mrs. Burdette...they took a wobbly little boy and have made him into a shining star this year.  And so many family members and friends who have helped us "fit it" when it really wasn't possible to do so.

And I will forever be indebted to a couple of little people...little ones whose tender hearts have helped to make my little boy comfortable and at ease.  Little Noah, who never failed to bring a smile to Cade regardless of the situation, and who was always able to understand - even at three years old - that Cade needed a little extra TLC.  He will forever be a true friend to Cade and, even though he has moved away, hold such a special place in our hearts.

And little Ginnifer, Cade's angel this year...who immediately took Cade under her wing on Day One of such a scary "big school experience"...she remains his favorite person in the class (ok, so a little obsessively, I must admit!).  Her sweet, sweet spirit is far beyond her years, and she will always be remembered for her kind soul and motherly disposition.  I can rest assurred that she is taking care of Cade while he is at school.

Charlotte wrote many other phrases to help Wilbur fight his own battle..."Radiant" and "Humble" were also included in her mantra.  But my favorite was the second choice she made...

          *Charlotte is looking for a new message to write in her web...
           Goose:  "How about terrific, terrific, terrific?"
           Charlotte:  "Cut that down to one terrific and I think that will do nicely."
           Wilbur:  "But Charlotte, I'm not terrific."
           Charlotte:  "You're terrific as far as I'm concerned."

Yes, Cade...you are terrific...and I am so proud of you.  So just keep licking your battle scars and keep on fighting, my son...for this battle will be the toughest I pray you will EVER have to fight.  And I will be right here with you, fighting for you and right beside you, until we win...

Happy "Thank you giving"!

What a month...I have been on an unintentional blogging hiatus simply because of all that we have had going on here!  We have started on our healing quest to help Cade, and the changes have been a bit of a whirlwind!  But all things considered it's going well...and now that I have a second to breathe I wanted to stop and just talk about being truly thankful on this Thanksgiving!

A few weeks ago we took Cade to a DAN Doctor (Defeat Autism Now!) in Asheville, NC.  There we completed a series of tests to determine exactly what we were dealing with as far as actual medical concerns.  Long story short...it was found that Cade has toxic levels of both mercury and arsenic, as well as other organotoxins (which are assumed to be pesticide poisons).  He also has excessive yeast in his system, and bloodwork showed a potential gluten sensisitivity.

So after picking ourselves up from the floor we set out to determine the where, why, and what do we do about it.  There is much involved, but basically it is found that children with Autism Spectrum Disorders typically are not able to get rid of toxins in their bodies like those of us who are neuro-typical.  So any toxins that enter Cade's body is retained, makes its way through the bloodstream, and then proceeds to affect the brain and organ systems.  Information from the doctor and my extensive research following these results found that arsensic has been being used in chickens to attempt to prevent a disease from infecting them.  Ok, so...ARSENIC IN CHICKEN?!?!  Apparently this has been happening for years...and wow -- the FDA has recalled this medication only over the last few months due to health concerns, but for the children like Cade that have been consuming this substance over the years the damage is already done.  We have removed all non-organic chicken from Cade's diet in hopes that we can keep any more arsenic from entering his body.  As far as Mercury...it can be found as a pollutant from power companies, as a preservative in vaccinations, in fish like tuna, and I'm sure many other places that I haven't disovered yet. 

SO.....in order to try to remove these dangerous toxins from Cade's body we are doing what is called chelation therapy - also called Intestional Metal Detox.  This simply involves Cade taking a powder orally 5 days a week.  We are hopeful that we will see changes in the next several weeks for the positive.  We have also started him on a medication to help stop the excessive yeast that his body is producing.  And I am happy to report that he is officially on a gluten-free/casein-free diet!  And although he does miss some of his favorites (specifically cheese...I just CANNOT find a substitute that doesn't taste disgusting!!), he is doing so well, even asking "Does that have wheat in it?  Because wheat makes me sick!"  I am so proud of how well he is handling the changes...it was something I was dreading because I was so worried about him!

We are on the road to recovery, friends...I can feel it in my heart!!  I know that we still have so far to go, and that there are many challenges that we have not even begun to tackle.  But we are on the right track to making my little boy better.  And I hope in the process I can help educate other parents and the public...we should all be outraged about the fact that we have poisonious substances going into our food.  Our kids are sick and it is our job to take a stand and do something about it...but that's another soapbox for another time.

Last night as I was lying with Kai we were talking about Thanksgiving.  Kai said, "Tomorrow is Thank you giving?"  His funny and sweet innocence cracked me up...all he knows is it means Daddy is off for the whole day and that he will get good food! 

So Happy Thank you giving everyone!!  I am so thankful for all of you....for all of the love and support we have received from you this year and always!  I am thankful for my two little boys and the constant surprises (ok, both good and bad!) that they bring.  I am thankful for my husband who is such a wonderful daddy to them.  And I am thankful that, no matter how difficult it has all been, God has given us the chance to lift Him up through a little boy named Cade...for it is through this little boy's miracles that we will truly see the glory of God. 

My Crazy Beautiful Life

Tonight we took the boys trick-or-treating.  A normal occurrence for tonight in most homes...or at least going to church or other event where we feel the need to fill our kids' buckets with more candy than we would ever let them eat in an entire year, must less in one night.  The night when we then bring them home and expect that they will just calmly have a bath, brush their teeth, put on their pjs and go quietly to sleep...I'm surprised the boys were asleep before 10 considering their excitement after ending our night.

As I write this, though, they are both completely wiped out in their beds sleeping soundly.  And I cannot help but to sit down and reflect on my boys...to just think about all that they are becoming  Before I had kids people used to always say that it would go so fast...not to blink because they would grow up before my eyes.  I cannot believe just how true it is.  And because I am always looking at Cade so closely - looking for any changes in him - I think I sometimes forget just how much he has grown up.

You know our last year has been a whirlwind.  Tonight I sat and just thought about where we are now compared to where we were just one year ago.  One year ago we had just gotten Cade's first diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder.  I was diving into the research of what this SPD thing even was.  We were setting up Occupational Therapy because that was the number one recommendation of our developmental pediatrician.  We were ever so painfully trudging through Cade's school days...and I was holding my breath each day I picked him up and bracing myself for what had happened during his short 4 hours there.

One year ago we had just bought our new house - a single-level home on the river built in the 70's.  Little did we know how scary living by the water would become when our son lost all sense of self control, climbed the fence, and stood on the dock "fishing:" when we found him.  We were at the end of Cade's first attempt at playing team soccer...a bit of a disaster, and we just couldn't understand why he couldn't handle it.  So much was happening one year ago that I could hardly catch my breath...I was grasping for God to just keep myself from collapsing with the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, questioning what we would ever be able to do for our little boy.

Just six months ago Cade would not communicate with us except, on most occasions, through meltdowns and fits.  He struggled to sleep at all, was not eating well, could not play a game with us without making sure it was absolutely on his own terms.  He would not even speak to Kai on most occasions, and most of his interaction with him was throwing, screaming, and being generally unhappy with him.  We were still plugging along through his school days just waiting for summer.  It was six months ago I went to the Sensory Processing Disorder Symposium in Austin, TX...and it was six months ago that I learned about the STAR Center and we made the decision that it was the best chance we had of helping Cade.  And just six months ago we were on the cusp of the diagnosis we were expecting but still shaken by...High-Functioning Autism.

This week I spent four days with Cade at therapy.  I have transported Kai to preschool, rushed home to work with Cade on his sensory diet, taken Cade to school, picked up Kai from preschool, attempted to pick up some staples for the house, then rushed to the car-rider line to wait to pick up Cade.  I have begun transforming our pantry and refrigerator to gluten-free/casein-free foods so that we can continue to remove them from his diet and geared up for our "cold turkey" change next week.  I have watched Cade make it through his Halloween party at school, even when it involved him getting dressed in his costume, with just a minor bit of anxiety.  I have watched him hug and kiss Kai at school and at church.  I have watched, listened, and reprimanded the two of them as they fussed and argued about the toy that both of them just had to have at the very same moment, all the while secretly thanking God that Cade was able to have a normal argument with his little brother.  I have spent 6 hours on the run each day.

And tonight I thank God for my crazy beautiful life.  Because even though I'm stressed, behind on everything, and just plain pooped...I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  For the joy of watching God heal my little boy of such tough neurological problems...that joy is worth my busy days and messy house.  That joy is worth my late nights and piling laundry...it is so worth my living room rug being covered with matchbox cars. 

So Happy Halloween, everyone!  I cannot wait to look back next year, after my boys have fallen in their beds again exhausted by the festivities, and write about all that another year has brought.  But there is one thing I am sure of,,,it will still be a crazy beautiful life!!


So thankful for this little clown and garbage man!



Peeing in the bathtub

As I write this Eric is putting the boys into the bathtub.  Actually he's running their second bath.  As the boys were getting in the first one, Kai proceeded to pee right into the water.  I heard Eric say, "Kai!!  Don't pee in the bathtub!!" and followed with something to the effect of "Just go ahead and get in" to which I said, "You cannot put both boys in pee-filled bath water!" 

It made me think...don't most of us just hang out in pee-filled bath water?  I mean, we do something stupid and sinful...maybe not so bad, but stupid and sinful just the same.  And it's really something that we could have taken care of...it might have taken some work to make it clean, but instead we just get in it anyway.  We just hang out in our own "pee-filled bathtubs"!  How can God wash us clean when we won't even let Him put in fresh water?!

Sorry if I have offended anyone...I am the mom of 2 boys and it takes a lot to gross me out! :)  But I find it amusing when God just uses the small stuff to teach us a lesson.  And you know Cade wasn't out of this conversation...after Eric's explanation to Kai that we don't pee in the bathtub I hear Cade exclaim, "I pee in the bathtub all the time!"  I had to control my laughter from the kitchen...

On a side note...I had to share a couple of special Muckin Moments with you from today.  Kai was crying after supper...a long story that involved unswallowed chicken and spilt milk...when Cade grabbed his sketchbook and markers and vanished into the pantry.  He came out with his portrait of Kai...

This is the FIRST sad face that we have seen Cade draw, especially when using it to describe someone else...he is starting to not only notice the emotions and facial expressions of others, but he is also starting to be able to reproduce them!!  I was SOOO excited...I took it out of his book, slapped a date and description on it, and plan to keep it forever!

Earlier in the afternoon Cade was playing with his cars.  He included all of us (his own idea) and decided we could have a race all around the room.  The details were fantastic...he even had us pull over to the pits and get our tires changed! :)  The funniest moment...when Mary (yes, the mother of Jesus...) and one of the wise men became the racing officials!

Ir's beauty from the ashes, people...and I'm LOVING it! :)

As the fog begins to lift...

What an unbelievable last week we have had here.  Even as I sit down to write this I am overwhelmed with the emotion, the blessings. and the thankfulness for all that has been during the last few days.  I have always heard that it is the darkest before the dawn.  I know that the last several months have been extremely dark at times...sometimes overwhelmingly so.  But we have persevered...and we are seeing what I believe to be our little boy coming out of the fog.

Last Thursday I accidentally began an experiment that has helped to lead us to this time.  Of course we know nothing is truly by accident.  I have worked to follow the directions of the doctors who have diligently tried to help Cade.  There was a time early this year when he was running out of the house impulsively...he even crossed the road to our neighbors.  This event, and the other impulsive things that were happening with him, caused the need to put him on a medication that would help with these behaviors.  I researched the meds, and I found many other children with adhd, autism, and other issues that took the meds with great results.  We became one of those statistics...the meds did work well with Cade's impulsive behaviors.  And in order to get to the next layer of helping his sensory issues we absolutely had to get those behaviors as under control as possible.

Throughout the process of healing Cade this year we have peeled off layer by layer of his deficits.  We were told from the beginning, as we peeled back each layer we would be confronted by the next one.  I think "confronted" is too mild of a word in this case...it seems we were assaulted by what was next!  We saw this from the very beginning of his occupational therapy...as we tackled his sensitivities there would be another behavior that would show up.  This is just the nature of this beast called SPD and Autism...there are so many layers to uncover.

Each time, though, I felt that we were getting closer to the real Cade...the little boy that was once there - the one I am absolutely sure that I gave birth to and that I had SEEN before that ugly beast took hold of him.  As hard as it was I just tried to reassure myself that we would get to a layer eventually that would begin to show us that this was possible...that helping Cade would be something we could really do.  After going to the STAR Center, the major breakthroughs we had there were spectacular!  And life-saving -- for all of us.  It was then that I really could see the light at the end.  And that regardless of what kind of tunnel we had, at least we had one to go through.  And after our work at STAR we saw Cade's autism blatantly staring us in the face...where it was once just something at the back it quickly became another major obstacle for him, for all of us

That brings me back to my "accidental" experiment last Thursday.  As usual we got ready and dropped Kai off at preschool, then came home to read a book and get ready for Cade's school day.  No problems...he had a snack, did some sensory diet activities, and off we went.  After dropping him off I did errands, picked up Kai, and then headed to the car-rider line to pick up Cade.  Then he got into the van...

What happened next is something that I am quite sure I will remember forever.  It was one of those days that becomes ingrained in your heart as a parent, one that was so unusual that you just cannot help but believe in the divine intervention of our Heavenly Father.  Cade begin telling me all about his day.  He went on and on all about everything that had happened...about what he had for snack and about how he played and who he played with.  Choking back tears I just talked and talked to him...all the while wondering where in the world this was coming from, but thanking God all the while for giving it to me!

You see, there was one thing that happened differently that Thursday morning.  We had to go to Cade's developmental ped. to get blood drawn for our lab work we are doing with the specialist in Asheville.  This change in routine caused me to forget something...Cade's morning dose of medicine.  Cade had gone to school without his meds...the meds that were helping him with his impulsivity and that, we are still definitely sure, were working so well.

Now y'all know I was over the moon with this scenario.  I couldn't wait to tell Eric all about it.  When all was said and done we decided to take him off of his morning dose on Sunday morning and just see what happened.  In the meantime, we began to remove the gluten and casein slowly from his diet (Cade will be going TOTALLY gluten and casein free during the second week of November).  As his foods have run out I have been replacing them with the gfcf ones...and also trying to go as organic as possible (do y'all know how expensive it is to eat healthy??!!).

The "boys" at a restaurant...it was one of the best we've had in so long!

This week has been phenomenal.  I have had conversations with my son that I thought would never be possible a year ago.  I have seen his personality return, even blossom.  I have seen his interest in school sky-rocket...he now tells me that he wants to learn to read.  He has played with Kai...I mean really played -- and he has become the big brother that I wished for Kai to have.  I have received more hugs and kisses than I have his whole life.  We have laughed together, shared stories, and just hung out together.  It has been unbelievable.



The boys making snowmen from "Floam"

 I know we have so many more hurdles to overcome...his OCD still rears his ugly head and his quirks are still very obvious.  But he is coming back to us.  I don't know how else to say it other than just that...we are getting our little boy back.  And as the fog begins to lift I am overwhelmed by this gift.  For I know that we may, I'm sure we will, have setbacks.  But this glimpse of hope has made me stronger than anything that we have done so far.  And for those of you who remember the poem "Welcome to Holland" (you can find it in one of my early blogs on this site!)...well, the fog in Holland has been pretty thick most days.  But God's light is shining brightly down on us here in Holland now, and I caannot wait to see what the future holds...

Swallowed up

The last few weeks have been some of the most taxing I have had since I entered Mommyhood.  Cade has been struggling with regulation, then Kai got sick, then Cade got sick (and sicker!)...it seems like I cannot seem to keep my head above water lately.  Every time I turn around I feel like I am being pulled in a different direction -- tonight Eric had choir at church and I was hoping getting the kids to bed early would provide just a little time for me to sit down before midnight...I just got back from putting Cade back to bed for the 4th time...*sigh...

I feel swallowed up...like the giant Biblical whale has come and just sucked me in.  I always thought Jonah was so stupid in that story.  I mean, come on...God tells you to go somewhere and you just say, "Nah...I don't really like those people over in Nineveh so I think I'll pass..."  Jonah was such a fool - trying to rob God of blessing him. 

But I think I have a whole new understanding of Jonah.  I have struggled, resisted, cried and whined.  I have tried to fix things my own way, all the while knowing that God really cannot bless my days if I'm not allowing Him to have control of them.  But do you know how hard that is?!  I mean, when I've got a 2-year-old redecorating my entire house with a black Sharpie marker (I'm taking suggestions on how to remove it please!!), a 4-year-old whose diet now consists of saltine crackers and salsa, and the only free time I seem to get is at 1 in the morning...it's really making me wonder if anyone is in control!

I am so blessed to have several who I call friends that are going down this same road with me (thanks for the chat tonight, Christie!).  It is amazing how God has used our trials to introduce me to so many other warriors who are dealing with SPD, Autism, and other special needs with their kiddos.  God has given me an awesome support system, even through those besties whose kids are typical -- I get such sound advice and lifting up from them.  I think many times it is only through others that we survive...God really knew what he was talking about when he said that Adam shouldn't be alone (ok, so I do think He should have made a best friend for Eve who was a female...the friend could probably have talked her out of listening to that snake...).

So for now I'll keep plugging along with the help of my friends (whoa...The Beatles just popped right into my mind with their song...) and family.  And I suppose I will wait for MY Nineveh.  But maybe, God, could you send me somewhere for a short while without kids and with plenty of candy corn??

Wait for the Lord

Ok, so I have been trying to complete this blog post since last Wednesday...it was then that Kai got sick and ended up with Croup and then Cade came home with a fever on Friday afternoon.  Oh, and did I mention Eric was out of town??  Thankfully my parents came in town and were able to distract a bit from the cries of "Mama" that enundated this house!  And then we got a last-minute cancellation call to the specialist we were scheduled to see in Asheville - that's another post.  A crazy few days for sure.  The kids are still not feeling well, but I'm stealing this brief moment in time while they're sleeping to hopefully finish this post!  If you don't see this on Tuesday then you'll know it didn't happen! :)

I have been doing a wonderful Bible study called "The Call to Discipleship" by Erilynne Barnum.  It is taking my friends and I through the Bible and we have been shown the most unbelievable truths that have always been there but that we have never discovered.  Last Tuesday night we were in Genesis 18, the story of Abram, Sarai, and Hagar.  And as always God nailed me with His word...

I'm sure many of you know the story, but just as a refresher it goes like this...God had told Abram that he and Sarai would have a child.  Both were old and well past child-bearing years - I'm sure that's why Sarai laughed - but they waited and year after year Sarai was not expecting.  Finally Sarai decided that, since it was not unusual for this to be a common practice in that day (like a surrogate mother), since Hagar was just there and apparently young and fertile that maybe God expected the two of them to take matters into their own hands and use Hagar to have their child.  Because of this decision, because Sarai and Abram did not wait on God's timing, the world is still feeling the effects.

So God was definitely speaking to me here.  I think that waiting on God's timing is my biggest struggle in life.  I am a "want it done yesterday" kinda person (ok, with a bit of self-procrastination thrown into the mix, I'll admit!).  I think the hardest thing to do after I actually ask God to lead us down the right path is to actually allow Him to do it. 

Having a special needs kiddo has turned me into a detective.  I am constantly trying to research the lastest and greatest ways sensory kids are being treated, what the latest findings are, and what the best strategies seem to be.  I am always searching for what we should be doing that we are not, and then trying to figure out how we can begin doing what we should!  It's a little irritating at times, even to myself. 

And while I am thankful that God gave us such a wealth of strategies and means to find all of this information, it is extremely hard for me not to take it and run with it.  What am I lacking??  The ability to stop, ask, and wait and listen!  The ability to wait on God's timing...and the ability to accept it.

So as I continue this journey with Cade, and embark on our next big step to try to heal him, I will fervently try to give it up to God.  And to wait on Him...all the while seceretly hoping that His will might line up just a little with my own...

The little big deal

Yesterday was picture day at Cade's school.  Now for most the only reason that is a big deal is because we as moms have to make sure that our child wears something that will hopefully match and be free of wrinkles, while also thinking about what color might look best in those standard backgrounds that school photographers bring.  Oh yeah, and making sure your kid has a fresh haircut.  We forgot the haircut (they are disastrous and I'm waiting as long as I possibly can!), and I was actually more worried about finding something Cade would be comfortable in (pants with buttons aren't too user-friendly for us these days!).

Cade, though, was worried about lots of other stuff.  Now I cannot see inside of his head (ohhhh if I could...), but I could almost read the anxious thoughts all over him.  The conversation went something like this...Me:  "Cade, today is picture day at school.  So try to smile when they take it, ok?"  Cade:  "I don't like picture day."  Me:  "But it'll be fine, and they will just take one picture of you and one of you with your class...that's all."  Cade:  "I don't want to get my picture made."  Me:  "It's fine, Mrs. McTeer will tell you exactly what to do, and all of your friends will be doing it.  It's no big deal."  Cade:  *sigh*

Enough said.  Now I try to walk the fine line between giving him enough information to help him know what to expect but not giving him too much information to make him anxious.  And frankly picture day is a toughie.  Cade doesn't handle change well (ok, that's the understatement of the year...), and I'm quite sure that all he was thinking about on the way to school was about what was going to happen, where he was supposed to go, what would his day look like...I could see his brain ticking through the many fears that were bubbling up inside of him. 

So I didn't really say much else.  I just put the boys in the van and we were off.  We parked and began our walk up to the sidewalk where Cade meets his class and his teachers.  The school bus carrying many of his friends was just pulling away, and the class had already began to gather on the "yellow line" to get ready to go in.  Cade hung back a little, but just for a very brief moment...then he made his way to the line.  I knew he was worried, probably really worried, and I knew this would be tough for him.  As he fell in line his teacher said, "Is everyone excited about picture day?" 

I felt my breath catch in my throat as I heard my little boy quietly say, "No."  And it was all I could do to stand there as I saw his mouth curve and the big alligator tears drop from his eyes.  And then my heart just about broke in two when I watched him attempt to get himself together and wipe his eyes before anyone noticed his crying.  I'm pretty sure I held my breath as I tried to decide whether to take Kai and begin our walk back to the van or wait to make sure he made it inside ok.  I knew he was struggling, and I was definitely struggling, and I decided that I should just make this easier and leave him with his friends and his capable teachers.  I quietly said aloud that he was anxious a little just so his teacher would recognize his fears, then got Kai's hand and began to herd him to the parking lot.

On our way I looked back, and Cade gave me a small little wave.  Ok, so I just about ran back and grabbed him and scooped him up and took him back home with me.  Of course he would be fine, he was fine...but I must tell you that it was one of those mommy moments that tested me greatly!  I prayed for him to get his anxiety in check, and for him to actually smile a little in his picture, then hurriedly put Kai in the van before anyone else in the parking lot wondered why I was shedding tears standing there. 

But I also celebrated Cade's victory with him...he worked hard to keep himself together and try to be a "typical kid" - just a few months ago I cannot imagine that he would have done anything but scream and run back to me, or at least be very disagreeable!  It reminded me of how far he has come, and I could not have been more proud of him than I was at that moment.

Cade survived picture day, and I actually don't think it was a big deal at all when everything was said and done.  Another victory under our belt.  And although we are still working through our days just one at a time, I know that every change that Cade manages on his own is just one more step closer we come to beating these disorders.  For one day I am sure that we will look back on days like this and think that they are not really a big deal at all.

Waiting for directions

The last few days have been tough.  Cade seems to have been dealing with a setback...we've been trying to figure out what has happened but it's a little like doing a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the end result is supposed to look like.  He seems to be dragging a bit, so we're pretty sure he's had a virus or something going on.  And when any illness or threat to his immune system hits his body we have figured out that it causes his sensory deficits and his autistic behaviors to go crazy.  Especially his OCD.  He is back to not being able to stand a page being wrinkled, he cannot stand for Kai to even touch him a little (his tactile defensiveness is really bad), and his meltdowns have been bad.  We just cannot seem to make him happy,

These times are hard...it's hard to watch him regress after all of the progress he's made.  But it's comforting to remember that hopefully this is only temporary.  From the research I've done and in talking to other moms all have told me that the same thing happens to their sensory kiddo.  I heard from a dear friend in the DC area just today discussing this very same thing, and she'll never know how comforting it was to have a kindred spirit going through it, too! (thanks, Melanie!)

But this time we are a little more prepared....we've been to STAR and know just what things seem to set Cade off during these times.  We have truly learned how to play with him, and are working hard to give him the sensory input he needs to at least help him regulate a little.  Co-regulation is what they call it...we are working to basically regulate his sensory system for him because he cannot regulate it himself right now.  Again, something I never expected to be doing during this whole "parenthood ride" but necessary none the less!

We are also much more prepared at home.  Through some generous help from dear friends of my parents we have been able to set up our own Sensory Playroom at our house.  And it is awesome!!  We began working on it before we left - moving our furniture to another room in the house and clearing everything out.  But after going to the STAR Center we found out what we really needed to include that would specifically meet Cade's needs.  His strongest sensory deficit seems to be his vestibular and proprioceptive systems - his need to climb and crash is tremendous!  Enter "Lycra" ...

Lycra is basically a material made from polyester and spandex and stretches...think bathing suits.  We were introduced to it many months ago from Kelly, Cade's first OT.  There they had a swing made from Lycra which allowed him to curl up inside and swing.  Then this summer Heather brought over a large piece of Lycra fabric, and we really saw how powerful it was for Cade.  It was very calming and he loved to wrap himself completely up inside of it.

The STAR Center had the "Rainbow Room" - which if you were keeping up with us then you heard about!  That room was extremely powerful for Cade...he could climb the fabric and hang out there...very calming for him.  So when we got home and were able to recreate a version of this in our new therapy room we were thrilled!


The Lycra literally hangs from our ceiling...I'm quite sure this old house never thought it would be used for something like this!

We installed the ropes to give Cade something to reach for.



A testament to his hard time right now...he looks extremely miserable, but he really does love it, I promise!



There is no question how Kai feels about it...he LOVES it!



We also installed a Lycra swing.  I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been...Cade get inside and swings and you wouldn't believe the communication we get from him while he is swinging!  It is so amazing how connected his communication and connections are to what his body is feeling.  It is very relaxing and he has fallen asleep inside several times.  And Kai loves it, too...and except for the single time that Eric was swinging him just a little too long and he got motion sickness, all has been well!

So I am still encouraged even though Cade is struggling right now.  Because I know knowing is more than half the battle when it comes to Cade.  And the knowledge we gained from this summer is priceless.  So I will get myself up and dust myself off once again, knowing that God will swing Cade once again to the other side.  And I will wait yet again to see what miracles will happen...because it seems that each time the road becomes a bit bumpy that means God is about to take us on another wild ride.  So, as the song "Here We Come Again" by Dolly Parton floods my brain, I buckle my seat belt and wait for directions fron above.  I'll keep you posted as to where the ride takes us this time...

Fellow Mother Warrior

Ok, so I must warn you before you read...I am about to vent.  My intention is not to offend, and many of you may not agree with what I am about to speak to.  But I feel I must speak it anyway...because it is weighing so heavy on my heart.

Many of you know, and I have alluded to it already, Cade received the diagnosis of High-Functioning Autism in June just before we left for Denver (in addition to his SPD).  I didn't really address it much...we were so busy planning our trip and there was really nothing that we could do that would make any difference before going.  So I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued to gear towards our intensive therapy this summer.

I wasn't surprised at this diagnosis.  Cade has had what I have called quirks for some time.  His SPD is so severe that it is always his primary nemesis.  And even though SPD is not officially considered on the autism spectrum, there are so many facets of the two that are the same I think it is almost natural, at least for Cade, that he has them both.  Let me make it clear...Sensory Processing Disorder is not autism  But I do believe that Cade suffers from both of these disorders.  Which, by the way, makes for a fun time...

So therapy at the STAR Center was fantastic and the results we are seeing are even more fantastic...I promise to talk about those results -- that's just not my focus in this entry.  School has started, and we are so happy with how Cade is doing there.  God has blessed us richly with so many things over the last few months...I finally just now have time to stop and just deal with the Autism.  And in dealing with it I have found dire unbelief and disgust...and just plain anger.

I don't mean the "I'm angry that my son has Autism" kind of anger.  No...I am angry about so much more...so much more that I have discovered, through researching and talking and sharing with other moms...I am just plain sick to death MAD about what I am discovering.  I'm "mommy mad" -- which, by the way, has its own rating on the official Richter Scale! :) 

I have had this gut Mommy intuition that there is something more that we need to be doing for Cade...something else to help him.  Therapy has been wonderful, and going this summer has been so life-changing for our family...but I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else we needed to be doing that was medical - something that the therapy to treat the symptoms of his SPD just wouldn't touch.  So I started researching...and I probably found way more than I wanted to know...

So just so you know before I go on, I am not and have never been a super organic holistic kind of medical person.  I have friends who are, and they're great at it.  But I have just never been the type to explore the whole "nonconventional medicine" avenue.  I have always been what I thought was educated about my kids' medical care -- especially with Cade and all of his medical issues early on.  I have never thought myself to be one who blindly did what the doctors told me to do without at least thinking that it was probably the most right thing to do.  So it was only natural for me to get both boys vaccinated on time...

I bet you're saying, "Here she goes...she's going to go off on the don't vaccinate your kids kick!":  I'm not...I'm really not...saying that.  I just simply want to share with you my story...the story that I have only put together very recently...because I want to honestly share my thoughts about our life at this moment in time.  And y'all know that I will always share honestly here...you can take it or leave it. :)

So in my research at the public library I ran across the book called Mother Warriors by Jenny McCarthy.  Now I don't proclaim to say that Jenny McCarthy is a Christian, that she's the most wholesome actress or person...but I do know that she's a mom who will do whatever it takes to protect her little boy.  And sometimes I think experiences like ours make us all kindred in that way...that sometimes just jumps ahead of other qualities because we are so alike in how we feel out our kiddos.  Anyway..,.Jenny's book is the sequel I guess to her first book where she gives the story of her son, Evan, who was diagnosed with Autism.  Now I haven't read that one...I just haven't felt emotionally able to take it on yet.  But this book is different.  It is advertised to talk about how she, and other moms from around the country, supposedly "cured" their kids of Autism.  It happened through simply treating a medical problem instead of a brain problem.

Before you go and say I've gone off the deep end, because that's what I would be saying, just let me share what I read here.  So apparently, and this is documented, at least the HUGE majority of Autistic kiddos have severe belly issues...I mean real gut issues...that have plagued them since very young.  For example, many have severe diarrhea, constipation, reflux and throwing up, severe food allergies...just huge problems with their gut.  I tell you this first because Cade had these problems.  When he was born it was evident from his terrible spitting up that there was a problem with the milk.  So we changed him to soy formula.  Then he was extremely constipated...I remember literally sitting in the doctor's office parking lot on the phone with her telling her I was coming in the door right this minute because I was so sick of  them putting me off.  When all was said and done it was determined that he also had an allergy to soy, and we promptly put him on a hypo-allergenic formula that was to magically fix all of his belly issues.

Now let me just shorten this tirade to say that his belly issues, looking back, were never really fixed...he threw up his whole first year of life and then had diarrhea his whole second year of life.  He had diarrhea for 90 straight days when he was almost 2.  They did an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, and even took biopsies...only to tell us that he had "Toddler's Diarrhea" - which seemed like a made up answer meaning "we have no idea what is causing it."  He had been diagnosed with a casein/milk protein allergy at shortly after he turned 1...it was always something.  At 3 they determined that his milk protein allergy had gone away, and it seemed true because when we fed him milk products all was ok with his belly.

So I identified with the moms in the book...his gut problems were always there and they were very mysterious.  And he was born with them, at least in part.  As I read on they talked about the fact that there was a point in their child's development when he or she just seemed to "turn off".  I remember worrying early on that there was something going on with Cade...I even called a friend of mine who son has Autism with concerns about infant hand-flapping.  But that was really his only symptom...he met all of his milestones.  He had several very clear words at 11 months old, and he was happy and well-adjusted.

Sometime between 12 and 13 months old Cade stopped talking.  He didn't really withdraw, he just lost his words.  He would still interact with people, but every single word he said came out to be "Ba."  I immediately took him to the pediatrician who suggested we have his hearing tested.  The ENT discovered undetectable eardrums because there was so much fluid.  They promptly recommended ear tubes, and he had them put in around 16 months.  We worked with him tirelessly to help him regain some words...and he did, but very slowly.  It was around that time that he began having SEVERE meltdowns...I can vividly remember him flailing in the front yard screaming.  It was always over something small...like if his wagon wouldn't turn correctly or the wheel fell off of his car.  He would run in circles, scream, crash into things, throw things...it was awful.  He would wake up from naps and be a complete mess...he would scream and cry and be completely uncontrollable for over a hour.  Eric and I finally began force-feeding him shortly after he woke up because we truly believed his blood sugar was low and causing him to meltdown.  I now believe that the eating simply stimulated his inner ear vestibular system and worked as a calming effect on whatever it was that had sent him over the edge.

I believe that the overwhelming majority of children are well...typical kiddos without any issues with their immune system or neurological gaps in their brains.  I believe that these kids can fight off the assault of the majority of toxins that seem to occur in our country.  And I believe that most go undetectable in their little systems, and all turns out great for them.

But I believe that some of our kiddos have a tendency, for whatever reason, to have a weakened immune system or neurological issue that makes them a little more vulnerable to the onslaught of these same toxins.  And I think when enough of those toxins are put into their little bodies then they have no choice to react --because the assault is just too much for them.  And I believe that when that happens a switch is triggered...and the switch is called Autism.

Looking back, I believe that something happened to Cade when he was 12 months old that caused his behavior to take a nose dive.  I think he was definitely much more fragile than we ever realized, and that fragility left him open to major problems when he was introduced to things that really shouldn't have been there anyway.  And yes, I'll say it, I do think that it had something to do with the vaccinations he received as a baby.

You can believe it, you can call it bogus...it doesn't really matter to me what you choose to believe.  I just believe that every single mom must do what she believes is best for her own child.  I can only sit and wonder what would have happened, what Cade's years so far on this earth would have been like, if I hadn't held him down on the table while the nurse poked him with what I believe altered the course of his life - all of our lives - forever.  And I believe that the artificial preservatives that kept those vaccines able to be mass produced have the same effect of those that are now being put into the foods we eat.  Did you know that in this country foods that have been genetically modified are not even required to be labeled as such?  And it just makes me sick that nobody will even listen, much less be held accountable for what is happening to our kiddos. 

They say that 1 in 94 boys in this country now are on the Autistic Spectrum.  Somewhere around 85% of them also have Sensory Processing Disorder.  Another much smaller percentage also have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety, and an even smaller percentage also have ADHD.  We are a family living with all of those things.  And as much as it breaks my heart that it could have been something that, at least in part, I could have prevented, I cannot go back.  I can only look forward.  And I can be just one more voice to share our experience.  And I pray that one day soon I will also be able to share how we healed our little boy of Autism...

Again, I share this not to offend or judge.  Every parent must do what they believe to be the very best thing for their kiddo.  I just think it should really be our right  to make those decisions completely informed with all of the facts...and with the facts not tainted by what the government, medical community, pharmaceutical companies, huge chemical companies, or anyone else with ulterior motives think we should be given.  And I don't believe everything is a "one size fits all" kind of deal.  I think some consideration should be given to what we are doing and how much of it we are doing.  And it just makes me so sad to see so many of us with kids that are so sick being forced to find out this information on our own...if there is nothing to hide then put it all out on the table and prove it! 

As I took my little boy out of his new therapy swing that we have installed in out new sensory playroom (more to come on that later), the swing that allows him to self-regulate enough for his body to wind down, I kissed him an extra time.  And I simply said "I'm sorry."  For although I know that I cannot blame myself for all that has happened to Cade, I do believe that trusting in the wrong people changed his life.  And for that I am truly heartbroken.

** This is probably the one and only post I will do on this subject of vaccinations and toxins in our environment and their link to Autism.  I am trying really hard to move forward and help heal Cade...and I know that with that being my primary focus everything else will just work itself out.  Thanks for letting me vent...and feel free to chime in with your opinions, criticisms, or just plain hate mail. :) **

Regrouping for reality

What a week it has been!  We got back to Charleston a week ago...and we had to hit the ground running.  With preschool starting for Kai on Tuesday morning and a meeting with the special needs team at the elementary school for Cade, I wasn't really sure which way was up.  I have spent the week getting both boys started in school, trying to get unpacked, and just plain getting back to our reality here.

 Kai was very excited to start to school this year!

And he loves his new lunch box from Nana and Pappy!

On Tuesday I met with the special needs team at the elementary school where Cade will be attending PreK.  We had been agonizing with the decision on where to put Cade this year...the preschool he previously attended just doesn't fit anymore with his special needs.  We knew this year would be a critical one, and I wanted to get it started off right.  I also knew that the public schools have to meet his needs as best that they can, and there's something to be said about having a forced hand.  So the public school won out.  I have had a great relationship with the school psychologist there since May when she first tested Cade...God certainly blessed us with Ms. Beth...so I just closed my eyes and jumped with the whole school situation.

The meeting Tuesday was excellent...the school OT was there as well as the psychologist and Cade's teacher.  All were very receptive to our concerns, and the team even volunteered to create some extra helps for Cade that we had not requested.  All in all I felt very good after leaving the meeting on Tuesday -- I just had to psych myself up for his first day on Thursday.

All I can say is God intervened in such a huge way on Thursday.  Cade goes to school in what is called the "afternoon" session of the PreK there -- 11:20-2:10.  I spent the morning stressing about what "perfect" sensory activities I needed to do with Cade in order to help him be the most regulated that he could be before his first day.  I also spent some time reading a book with him called "The First Day of School" where we talked all about school and put stickers on each page.  I was a basket case...Cade was completely oblivious of what was happening.

Burning off some steam before school starts.

I have often said that God gave special needs kids the ability to be oblivious...to just not even really be aware of what was happening, just to protect them from worrying about it.  Cade knew he was going to "Big Boy School" -- we had talked about it a lot.  But when I talked about it with him on Thursday morning he didn't seem to really get it.  He wasn't nervous or anxious, just the same old Cade hanging out with me. 

So on the way to school I'm praying REALLY HARD....praying that he would not cry when I left him (and that I would not cry when I left him!), praying that he wouldn't have a meltdown when he got into class, praying that his teacher would love him.  But most of all I was praying that he would make friends...that he would fit in with the other kids, who had already been there two weeks and all knew each other.  You see, when Cade meets a new person he typically will hiss or growl at them.  No idea why - it's just what he does.  And now that he's 4 that's going to be a much bigger problem than it has been before. 

So we park and walk up to the sidewalk to wait for the teacher to come out and get the kids to walk them to class.  As I walk up I check with another mom there just to make sure we're in the right place.  That's when she asks about whether this is Cade's first day.  And then the Heavens opened...God sent little Jennifer into our world.  Her daughter walks up to Cade and says, "Hi, my name is Jennifer.  What is your name?"  Ok, so now I'm holding my breath and probably even gritting my teeth, just waiting for the hiss that is sure to follow.  Cade says, "My name is Cade."  You could have knocked me over with a feather. 

I continue to stare at him as he runs around with Jennifer, gets on the yellow line and waits for the teacher, then engages in conversation with her and shows her the book that he has placed in his backpack.  Other than being completely enamoured by the school bus, which he insists he wants to ride, all was pretty calm.  The teacher comes out, the kids all turn around and follow her....and Cade is walking in line taking to Jennifer and the other kids as if he's been there every day of his 4-year-old life.  I swallow the lump in my throat long enough to say to his teacher, "I think I'll just let him walk in from right here," and turn around and head to my car.

Cade is digging in his backpack...

to show his book to his new friend!

Of course I prayed for Cade throughout the rest of his short school day, but he got into the van in the afternoon hot and tired and very hungry, but with no issues from school.  Friday his teacher let me know that things had gone very well, and he was even able to talk about his day to us that night (ok, so all we really know is that they had cookies and carrots for snack and there are something called "work-together horses" on the playground, but that's progress...).

It has taken me this entire week to process coming home from Denver.  I have felt overwhelmed with our changing journey...a little like a deer in the headlights.  It has been a little tough to come home from Denver, where everything was pretty safe, to being on our own here.  And starting school has been emotional for me -- after our experience over the last year it has been hard to trust someone else to take care of my little boy and help him with his special needs.  But I have regrouped, and I have survived our first week.  Now on to our new reality...



Denver Diary: Our journey is nearing an end...

We have now been in Denver for 33 days and our journey is nearing an end.  We fly out very early Sunday morning.  As we are wrapping things up here I cannot help but feel a bit overwhelmed...overwhelmed by all that we have experienced through this huge undertaking.  It is hard for me to believe that after so much work, planning, anticipation, and yes - worry - that we are getting ready to head home for good.

We have experienced so many miracles...it is hard to comprehend all that God has brought us to see through bringing Cade here.  His therapy, though so super hard, has been such an unbelievable blessing.  We all have been stretched further than we thought possible, and we have made it through to the other side being so much stronger.  We have learned so much about ourselves here, so much about being Cade's parents, that it is simply impossible to put into words.

We will miss the STAR Center and all it has to offer...it made Cade's work so much easier!

Most importantly, we are bringing back a very different little boy than we left with in early July.  Cade has made remarkable gains here...he has learned coping strategies, how to communicate, ways to more appropriately play...he has worked so hard here without him even knowing it.  We have watched him go from a little boy who was frustrated almost all of the time to one that can bring himself out of his frustration with coping skills.  We have watched him blossom here...my heart is full from all that Cade has gotten from our time at the STAR Center.

Here Cade is bringing himself out of a meltdown...he is "retreating" to a place where he can have his "own space" -- much better than yelling and screaming!!

And we have learned how to play with Cade.  That may sound simply ridiculous...but playing with Cade needs to be so intentional because we are striving to retrain his brain.  And this has not been an easy job!  But we now know what avenues are the most important to take with him.  We have learned what we need to work hard to strive for, and what is simply not as important in his development.  I have watched Eric bark like a dog and "fetch" more times than I can count - and all without embarrassment, disdain, or regret.  I have watched Cade create new ideas with much more complication than I ever thought he would be able to do...and I have watched him be so excited about doing it.

Cade discovered some pom-poms...and introduced "Pom-Pom Fighting!"

J taught Cade how to play the game "Guess Who?"  I'm thinking it's going to be one of his favorites!

The next American Idol??

We will miss Julianna so much...she has been such a calm ray of light in the middle of this crazy, and sometimes seemingly relentless, process.  I thank God that he placed her right in the middle of Cade's life when he needed her the most.  I have watched him grow to truly love her, and I know he is going to forever hold her someplace deep in his little heart.  And I know that whenever we are struggling I can always pull from her advice that she has so richly given us, and hopefully be able to dig deep enough to find what I need.

Cade and "J" as he so affectionately calls her.

Having fun in the "Rainbow Room"

Denver has been remarkable.  We have grown so much, seen so much, struggled so much, and celebrated so much.  You all know that I am truly a Southern girl at heart, but I will always have such a special feeling for this place.  In the midst of all of its beauty and grandeur it surely holds some secret power that God placed right in the middle of the Rocky Mountains...I'm pretty sure that it will always draw me back for another, perhaps more relaxing, visit.

The mountain view...

Red Rocks Amphitheatre

But for now we are headed back to reality.  A different reality. We are headed back to the world where we must make everything flow smoothly, make sense of it as much as we can, and just keep on plugging along.  For as far as we have come here, we still have so far to go on our journey with Sensory Processing Disorder, Autism, ADHD, OCD, and many other labels that have found their way into our lives over the past year.  We are headed head first into a brand new school year -- the first as a "special needs family."  I will be entrusting my little boy to the hands of the public school PreK this year.  And I will be hopeful that he will encounter the love and support he needs to get his school experience off to a good start. 

But we are headed back with such a remarkable support system in place.  For in this journey, too, we have learned to lean on friends and family when the going gets tough  We have learned to not only accept blessings, but to truly rejoice when they come our way.  God has put so many in our path...those that helped us when our journey was just beginning and those that continue to be prayer warriors for us all along the way.  And those who have become true lasting friends, forever friends, bonded simply by our experience of trying to help our babies.  And God gave us Heather, our OT at home, who already has become such an important person to our family...I hope she is ready to "take the wheel" when we return!  To all, I could never say thank you enough for being a part of such a remarkable time in our lives...we will never forget the sacrifices and prayers you have given up for our little boy.

So goodbye, Denver.  Thank you for the special, magical time you have given my family here.  Thank you for the laughter, the memories, and the healing.  And most of all, thank you for helping to change the life of my little boy for the better.  You will forever be in my heart...

Cade and Eric at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre...Cade's energy never waivers!

Cade insisted that I take his picture with every purple trash can in Red Rocks park!!

Cade gave me a heart attack...his "no fear policy" is stressful sometimes!

Farewell Rocky Mountains...hope to see you again someday!