My Crazy Beautiful Life

Tonight we took the boys trick-or-treating.  A normal occurrence for tonight in most homes...or at least going to church or other event where we feel the need to fill our kids' buckets with more candy than we would ever let them eat in an entire year, must less in one night.  The night when we then bring them home and expect that they will just calmly have a bath, brush their teeth, put on their pjs and go quietly to sleep...I'm surprised the boys were asleep before 10 considering their excitement after ending our night.

As I write this, though, they are both completely wiped out in their beds sleeping soundly.  And I cannot help but to sit down and reflect on my boys...to just think about all that they are becoming  Before I had kids people used to always say that it would go so fast...not to blink because they would grow up before my eyes.  I cannot believe just how true it is.  And because I am always looking at Cade so closely - looking for any changes in him - I think I sometimes forget just how much he has grown up.

You know our last year has been a whirlwind.  Tonight I sat and just thought about where we are now compared to where we were just one year ago.  One year ago we had just gotten Cade's first diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder.  I was diving into the research of what this SPD thing even was.  We were setting up Occupational Therapy because that was the number one recommendation of our developmental pediatrician.  We were ever so painfully trudging through Cade's school days...and I was holding my breath each day I picked him up and bracing myself for what had happened during his short 4 hours there.

One year ago we had just bought our new house - a single-level home on the river built in the 70's.  Little did we know how scary living by the water would become when our son lost all sense of self control, climbed the fence, and stood on the dock "fishing:" when we found him.  We were at the end of Cade's first attempt at playing team soccer...a bit of a disaster, and we just couldn't understand why he couldn't handle it.  So much was happening one year ago that I could hardly catch my breath...I was grasping for God to just keep myself from collapsing with the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, questioning what we would ever be able to do for our little boy.

Just six months ago Cade would not communicate with us except, on most occasions, through meltdowns and fits.  He struggled to sleep at all, was not eating well, could not play a game with us without making sure it was absolutely on his own terms.  He would not even speak to Kai on most occasions, and most of his interaction with him was throwing, screaming, and being generally unhappy with him.  We were still plugging along through his school days just waiting for summer.  It was six months ago I went to the Sensory Processing Disorder Symposium in Austin, TX...and it was six months ago that I learned about the STAR Center and we made the decision that it was the best chance we had of helping Cade.  And just six months ago we were on the cusp of the diagnosis we were expecting but still shaken by...High-Functioning Autism.

This week I spent four days with Cade at therapy.  I have transported Kai to preschool, rushed home to work with Cade on his sensory diet, taken Cade to school, picked up Kai from preschool, attempted to pick up some staples for the house, then rushed to the car-rider line to wait to pick up Cade.  I have begun transforming our pantry and refrigerator to gluten-free/casein-free foods so that we can continue to remove them from his diet and geared up for our "cold turkey" change next week.  I have watched Cade make it through his Halloween party at school, even when it involved him getting dressed in his costume, with just a minor bit of anxiety.  I have watched him hug and kiss Kai at school and at church.  I have watched, listened, and reprimanded the two of them as they fussed and argued about the toy that both of them just had to have at the very same moment, all the while secretly thanking God that Cade was able to have a normal argument with his little brother.  I have spent 6 hours on the run each day.

And tonight I thank God for my crazy beautiful life.  Because even though I'm stressed, behind on everything, and just plain pooped...I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  For the joy of watching God heal my little boy of such tough neurological problems...that joy is worth my busy days and messy house.  That joy is worth my late nights and piling laundry...it is so worth my living room rug being covered with matchbox cars. 

So Happy Halloween, everyone!  I cannot wait to look back next year, after my boys have fallen in their beds again exhausted by the festivities, and write about all that another year has brought.  But there is one thing I am sure of,,,it will still be a crazy beautiful life!!


So thankful for this little clown and garbage man!