Cade, though, was worried about lots of other stuff. Now I cannot see inside of his head (ohhhh if I could...), but I could almost read the anxious thoughts all over him. The conversation went something like this...Me: "Cade, today is picture day at school. So try to smile when they take it, ok?" Cade: "I don't like picture day." Me: "But it'll be fine, and they will just take one picture of you and one of you with your class...that's all." Cade: "I don't want to get my picture made." Me: "It's fine, Mrs. McTeer will tell you exactly what to do, and all of your friends will be doing it. It's no big deal." Cade: *sigh*
Enough said. Now I try to walk the fine line between giving him enough information to help him know what to expect but not giving him too much information to make him anxious. And frankly picture day is a toughie. Cade doesn't handle change well (ok, that's the understatement of the year...), and I'm quite sure that all he was thinking about on the way to school was about what was going to happen, where he was supposed to go, what would his day look like...I could see his brain ticking through the many fears that were bubbling up inside of him.
So I didn't really say much else. I just put the boys in the van and we were off. We parked and began our walk up to the sidewalk where Cade meets his class and his teachers. The school bus carrying many of his friends was just pulling away, and the class had already began to gather on the "yellow line" to get ready to go in. Cade hung back a little, but just for a very brief moment...then he made his way to the line. I knew he was worried, probably really worried, and I knew this would be tough for him. As he fell in line his teacher said, "Is everyone excited about picture day?"
I felt my breath catch in my throat as I heard my little boy quietly say, "No." And it was all I could do to stand there as I saw his mouth curve and the big alligator tears drop from his eyes. And then my heart just about broke in two when I watched him attempt to get himself together and wipe his eyes before anyone noticed his crying. I'm pretty sure I held my breath as I tried to decide whether to take Kai and begin our walk back to the van or wait to make sure he made it inside ok. I knew he was struggling, and I was definitely struggling, and I decided that I should just make this easier and leave him with his friends and his capable teachers. I quietly said aloud that he was anxious a little just so his teacher would recognize his fears, then got Kai's hand and began to herd him to the parking lot.
On our way I looked back, and Cade gave me a small little wave. Ok, so I just about ran back and grabbed him and scooped him up and took him back home with me. Of course he would be fine, he was fine...but I must tell you that it was one of those mommy moments that tested me greatly! I prayed for him to get his anxiety in check, and for him to actually smile a little in his picture, then hurriedly put Kai in the van before anyone else in the parking lot wondered why I was shedding tears standing there.
But I also celebrated Cade's victory with him...he worked hard to keep himself together and try to be a "typical kid" - just a few months ago I cannot imagine that he would have done anything but scream and run back to me, or at least be very disagreeable! It reminded me of how far he has come, and I could not have been more proud of him than I was at that moment.
Cade survived picture day, and I actually don't think it was a big deal at all when everything was said and done. Another victory under our belt. And although we are still working through our days just one at a time, I know that every change that Cade manages on his own is just one more step closer we come to beating these disorders. For one day I am sure that we will look back on days like this and think that they are not really a big deal at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment