My Crazy Beautiful Life

Tonight we took the boys trick-or-treating.  A normal occurrence for tonight in most homes...or at least going to church or other event where we feel the need to fill our kids' buckets with more candy than we would ever let them eat in an entire year, must less in one night.  The night when we then bring them home and expect that they will just calmly have a bath, brush their teeth, put on their pjs and go quietly to sleep...I'm surprised the boys were asleep before 10 considering their excitement after ending our night.

As I write this, though, they are both completely wiped out in their beds sleeping soundly.  And I cannot help but to sit down and reflect on my boys...to just think about all that they are becoming  Before I had kids people used to always say that it would go so fast...not to blink because they would grow up before my eyes.  I cannot believe just how true it is.  And because I am always looking at Cade so closely - looking for any changes in him - I think I sometimes forget just how much he has grown up.

You know our last year has been a whirlwind.  Tonight I sat and just thought about where we are now compared to where we were just one year ago.  One year ago we had just gotten Cade's first diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder.  I was diving into the research of what this SPD thing even was.  We were setting up Occupational Therapy because that was the number one recommendation of our developmental pediatrician.  We were ever so painfully trudging through Cade's school days...and I was holding my breath each day I picked him up and bracing myself for what had happened during his short 4 hours there.

One year ago we had just bought our new house - a single-level home on the river built in the 70's.  Little did we know how scary living by the water would become when our son lost all sense of self control, climbed the fence, and stood on the dock "fishing:" when we found him.  We were at the end of Cade's first attempt at playing team soccer...a bit of a disaster, and we just couldn't understand why he couldn't handle it.  So much was happening one year ago that I could hardly catch my breath...I was grasping for God to just keep myself from collapsing with the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, questioning what we would ever be able to do for our little boy.

Just six months ago Cade would not communicate with us except, on most occasions, through meltdowns and fits.  He struggled to sleep at all, was not eating well, could not play a game with us without making sure it was absolutely on his own terms.  He would not even speak to Kai on most occasions, and most of his interaction with him was throwing, screaming, and being generally unhappy with him.  We were still plugging along through his school days just waiting for summer.  It was six months ago I went to the Sensory Processing Disorder Symposium in Austin, TX...and it was six months ago that I learned about the STAR Center and we made the decision that it was the best chance we had of helping Cade.  And just six months ago we were on the cusp of the diagnosis we were expecting but still shaken by...High-Functioning Autism.

This week I spent four days with Cade at therapy.  I have transported Kai to preschool, rushed home to work with Cade on his sensory diet, taken Cade to school, picked up Kai from preschool, attempted to pick up some staples for the house, then rushed to the car-rider line to wait to pick up Cade.  I have begun transforming our pantry and refrigerator to gluten-free/casein-free foods so that we can continue to remove them from his diet and geared up for our "cold turkey" change next week.  I have watched Cade make it through his Halloween party at school, even when it involved him getting dressed in his costume, with just a minor bit of anxiety.  I have watched him hug and kiss Kai at school and at church.  I have watched, listened, and reprimanded the two of them as they fussed and argued about the toy that both of them just had to have at the very same moment, all the while secretly thanking God that Cade was able to have a normal argument with his little brother.  I have spent 6 hours on the run each day.

And tonight I thank God for my crazy beautiful life.  Because even though I'm stressed, behind on everything, and just plain pooped...I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  For the joy of watching God heal my little boy of such tough neurological problems...that joy is worth my busy days and messy house.  That joy is worth my late nights and piling laundry...it is so worth my living room rug being covered with matchbox cars. 

So Happy Halloween, everyone!  I cannot wait to look back next year, after my boys have fallen in their beds again exhausted by the festivities, and write about all that another year has brought.  But there is one thing I am sure of,,,it will still be a crazy beautiful life!!


So thankful for this little clown and garbage man!



Peeing in the bathtub

As I write this Eric is putting the boys into the bathtub.  Actually he's running their second bath.  As the boys were getting in the first one, Kai proceeded to pee right into the water.  I heard Eric say, "Kai!!  Don't pee in the bathtub!!" and followed with something to the effect of "Just go ahead and get in" to which I said, "You cannot put both boys in pee-filled bath water!" 

It made me think...don't most of us just hang out in pee-filled bath water?  I mean, we do something stupid and sinful...maybe not so bad, but stupid and sinful just the same.  And it's really something that we could have taken care of...it might have taken some work to make it clean, but instead we just get in it anyway.  We just hang out in our own "pee-filled bathtubs"!  How can God wash us clean when we won't even let Him put in fresh water?!

Sorry if I have offended anyone...I am the mom of 2 boys and it takes a lot to gross me out! :)  But I find it amusing when God just uses the small stuff to teach us a lesson.  And you know Cade wasn't out of this conversation...after Eric's explanation to Kai that we don't pee in the bathtub I hear Cade exclaim, "I pee in the bathtub all the time!"  I had to control my laughter from the kitchen...

On a side note...I had to share a couple of special Muckin Moments with you from today.  Kai was crying after supper...a long story that involved unswallowed chicken and spilt milk...when Cade grabbed his sketchbook and markers and vanished into the pantry.  He came out with his portrait of Kai...

This is the FIRST sad face that we have seen Cade draw, especially when using it to describe someone else...he is starting to not only notice the emotions and facial expressions of others, but he is also starting to be able to reproduce them!!  I was SOOO excited...I took it out of his book, slapped a date and description on it, and plan to keep it forever!

Earlier in the afternoon Cade was playing with his cars.  He included all of us (his own idea) and decided we could have a race all around the room.  The details were fantastic...he even had us pull over to the pits and get our tires changed! :)  The funniest moment...when Mary (yes, the mother of Jesus...) and one of the wise men became the racing officials!

Ir's beauty from the ashes, people...and I'm LOVING it! :)

As the fog begins to lift...

What an unbelievable last week we have had here.  Even as I sit down to write this I am overwhelmed with the emotion, the blessings. and the thankfulness for all that has been during the last few days.  I have always heard that it is the darkest before the dawn.  I know that the last several months have been extremely dark at times...sometimes overwhelmingly so.  But we have persevered...and we are seeing what I believe to be our little boy coming out of the fog.

Last Thursday I accidentally began an experiment that has helped to lead us to this time.  Of course we know nothing is truly by accident.  I have worked to follow the directions of the doctors who have diligently tried to help Cade.  There was a time early this year when he was running out of the house impulsively...he even crossed the road to our neighbors.  This event, and the other impulsive things that were happening with him, caused the need to put him on a medication that would help with these behaviors.  I researched the meds, and I found many other children with adhd, autism, and other issues that took the meds with great results.  We became one of those statistics...the meds did work well with Cade's impulsive behaviors.  And in order to get to the next layer of helping his sensory issues we absolutely had to get those behaviors as under control as possible.

Throughout the process of healing Cade this year we have peeled off layer by layer of his deficits.  We were told from the beginning, as we peeled back each layer we would be confronted by the next one.  I think "confronted" is too mild of a word in this case...it seems we were assaulted by what was next!  We saw this from the very beginning of his occupational therapy...as we tackled his sensitivities there would be another behavior that would show up.  This is just the nature of this beast called SPD and Autism...there are so many layers to uncover.

Each time, though, I felt that we were getting closer to the real Cade...the little boy that was once there - the one I am absolutely sure that I gave birth to and that I had SEEN before that ugly beast took hold of him.  As hard as it was I just tried to reassure myself that we would get to a layer eventually that would begin to show us that this was possible...that helping Cade would be something we could really do.  After going to the STAR Center, the major breakthroughs we had there were spectacular!  And life-saving -- for all of us.  It was then that I really could see the light at the end.  And that regardless of what kind of tunnel we had, at least we had one to go through.  And after our work at STAR we saw Cade's autism blatantly staring us in the face...where it was once just something at the back it quickly became another major obstacle for him, for all of us

That brings me back to my "accidental" experiment last Thursday.  As usual we got ready and dropped Kai off at preschool, then came home to read a book and get ready for Cade's school day.  No problems...he had a snack, did some sensory diet activities, and off we went.  After dropping him off I did errands, picked up Kai, and then headed to the car-rider line to pick up Cade.  Then he got into the van...

What happened next is something that I am quite sure I will remember forever.  It was one of those days that becomes ingrained in your heart as a parent, one that was so unusual that you just cannot help but believe in the divine intervention of our Heavenly Father.  Cade begin telling me all about his day.  He went on and on all about everything that had happened...about what he had for snack and about how he played and who he played with.  Choking back tears I just talked and talked to him...all the while wondering where in the world this was coming from, but thanking God all the while for giving it to me!

You see, there was one thing that happened differently that Thursday morning.  We had to go to Cade's developmental ped. to get blood drawn for our lab work we are doing with the specialist in Asheville.  This change in routine caused me to forget something...Cade's morning dose of medicine.  Cade had gone to school without his meds...the meds that were helping him with his impulsivity and that, we are still definitely sure, were working so well.

Now y'all know I was over the moon with this scenario.  I couldn't wait to tell Eric all about it.  When all was said and done we decided to take him off of his morning dose on Sunday morning and just see what happened.  In the meantime, we began to remove the gluten and casein slowly from his diet (Cade will be going TOTALLY gluten and casein free during the second week of November).  As his foods have run out I have been replacing them with the gfcf ones...and also trying to go as organic as possible (do y'all know how expensive it is to eat healthy??!!).

The "boys" at a restaurant...it was one of the best we've had in so long!

This week has been phenomenal.  I have had conversations with my son that I thought would never be possible a year ago.  I have seen his personality return, even blossom.  I have seen his interest in school sky-rocket...he now tells me that he wants to learn to read.  He has played with Kai...I mean really played -- and he has become the big brother that I wished for Kai to have.  I have received more hugs and kisses than I have his whole life.  We have laughed together, shared stories, and just hung out together.  It has been unbelievable.



The boys making snowmen from "Floam"

 I know we have so many more hurdles to overcome...his OCD still rears his ugly head and his quirks are still very obvious.  But he is coming back to us.  I don't know how else to say it other than just that...we are getting our little boy back.  And as the fog begins to lift I am overwhelmed by this gift.  For I know that we may, I'm sure we will, have setbacks.  But this glimpse of hope has made me stronger than anything that we have done so far.  And for those of you who remember the poem "Welcome to Holland" (you can find it in one of my early blogs on this site!)...well, the fog in Holland has been pretty thick most days.  But God's light is shining brightly down on us here in Holland now, and I caannot wait to see what the future holds...

Swallowed up

The last few weeks have been some of the most taxing I have had since I entered Mommyhood.  Cade has been struggling with regulation, then Kai got sick, then Cade got sick (and sicker!)...it seems like I cannot seem to keep my head above water lately.  Every time I turn around I feel like I am being pulled in a different direction -- tonight Eric had choir at church and I was hoping getting the kids to bed early would provide just a little time for me to sit down before midnight...I just got back from putting Cade back to bed for the 4th time...*sigh...

I feel swallowed up...like the giant Biblical whale has come and just sucked me in.  I always thought Jonah was so stupid in that story.  I mean, come on...God tells you to go somewhere and you just say, "Nah...I don't really like those people over in Nineveh so I think I'll pass..."  Jonah was such a fool - trying to rob God of blessing him. 

But I think I have a whole new understanding of Jonah.  I have struggled, resisted, cried and whined.  I have tried to fix things my own way, all the while knowing that God really cannot bless my days if I'm not allowing Him to have control of them.  But do you know how hard that is?!  I mean, when I've got a 2-year-old redecorating my entire house with a black Sharpie marker (I'm taking suggestions on how to remove it please!!), a 4-year-old whose diet now consists of saltine crackers and salsa, and the only free time I seem to get is at 1 in the morning...it's really making me wonder if anyone is in control!

I am so blessed to have several who I call friends that are going down this same road with me (thanks for the chat tonight, Christie!).  It is amazing how God has used our trials to introduce me to so many other warriors who are dealing with SPD, Autism, and other special needs with their kiddos.  God has given me an awesome support system, even through those besties whose kids are typical -- I get such sound advice and lifting up from them.  I think many times it is only through others that we survive...God really knew what he was talking about when he said that Adam shouldn't be alone (ok, so I do think He should have made a best friend for Eve who was a female...the friend could probably have talked her out of listening to that snake...).

So for now I'll keep plugging along with the help of my friends (whoa...The Beatles just popped right into my mind with their song...) and family.  And I suppose I will wait for MY Nineveh.  But maybe, God, could you send me somewhere for a short while without kids and with plenty of candy corn??