Waiting for directions

The last few days have been tough.  Cade seems to have been dealing with a setback...we've been trying to figure out what has happened but it's a little like doing a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the end result is supposed to look like.  He seems to be dragging a bit, so we're pretty sure he's had a virus or something going on.  And when any illness or threat to his immune system hits his body we have figured out that it causes his sensory deficits and his autistic behaviors to go crazy.  Especially his OCD.  He is back to not being able to stand a page being wrinkled, he cannot stand for Kai to even touch him a little (his tactile defensiveness is really bad), and his meltdowns have been bad.  We just cannot seem to make him happy,

These times are hard...it's hard to watch him regress after all of the progress he's made.  But it's comforting to remember that hopefully this is only temporary.  From the research I've done and in talking to other moms all have told me that the same thing happens to their sensory kiddo.  I heard from a dear friend in the DC area just today discussing this very same thing, and she'll never know how comforting it was to have a kindred spirit going through it, too! (thanks, Melanie!)

But this time we are a little more prepared....we've been to STAR and know just what things seem to set Cade off during these times.  We have truly learned how to play with him, and are working hard to give him the sensory input he needs to at least help him regulate a little.  Co-regulation is what they call it...we are working to basically regulate his sensory system for him because he cannot regulate it himself right now.  Again, something I never expected to be doing during this whole "parenthood ride" but necessary none the less!

We are also much more prepared at home.  Through some generous help from dear friends of my parents we have been able to set up our own Sensory Playroom at our house.  And it is awesome!!  We began working on it before we left - moving our furniture to another room in the house and clearing everything out.  But after going to the STAR Center we found out what we really needed to include that would specifically meet Cade's needs.  His strongest sensory deficit seems to be his vestibular and proprioceptive systems - his need to climb and crash is tremendous!  Enter "Lycra" ...

Lycra is basically a material made from polyester and spandex and stretches...think bathing suits.  We were introduced to it many months ago from Kelly, Cade's first OT.  There they had a swing made from Lycra which allowed him to curl up inside and swing.  Then this summer Heather brought over a large piece of Lycra fabric, and we really saw how powerful it was for Cade.  It was very calming and he loved to wrap himself completely up inside of it.

The STAR Center had the "Rainbow Room" - which if you were keeping up with us then you heard about!  That room was extremely powerful for Cade...he could climb the fabric and hang out there...very calming for him.  So when we got home and were able to recreate a version of this in our new therapy room we were thrilled!


The Lycra literally hangs from our ceiling...I'm quite sure this old house never thought it would be used for something like this!

We installed the ropes to give Cade something to reach for.



A testament to his hard time right now...he looks extremely miserable, but he really does love it, I promise!



There is no question how Kai feels about it...he LOVES it!



We also installed a Lycra swing.  I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been...Cade get inside and swings and you wouldn't believe the communication we get from him while he is swinging!  It is so amazing how connected his communication and connections are to what his body is feeling.  It is very relaxing and he has fallen asleep inside several times.  And Kai loves it, too...and except for the single time that Eric was swinging him just a little too long and he got motion sickness, all has been well!

So I am still encouraged even though Cade is struggling right now.  Because I know knowing is more than half the battle when it comes to Cade.  And the knowledge we gained from this summer is priceless.  So I will get myself up and dust myself off once again, knowing that God will swing Cade once again to the other side.  And I will wait yet again to see what miracles will happen...because it seems that each time the road becomes a bit bumpy that means God is about to take us on another wild ride.  So, as the song "Here We Come Again" by Dolly Parton floods my brain, I buckle my seat belt and wait for directions fron above.  I'll keep you posted as to where the ride takes us this time...

Fellow Mother Warrior

Ok, so I must warn you before you read...I am about to vent.  My intention is not to offend, and many of you may not agree with what I am about to speak to.  But I feel I must speak it anyway...because it is weighing so heavy on my heart.

Many of you know, and I have alluded to it already, Cade received the diagnosis of High-Functioning Autism in June just before we left for Denver (in addition to his SPD).  I didn't really address it much...we were so busy planning our trip and there was really nothing that we could do that would make any difference before going.  So I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued to gear towards our intensive therapy this summer.

I wasn't surprised at this diagnosis.  Cade has had what I have called quirks for some time.  His SPD is so severe that it is always his primary nemesis.  And even though SPD is not officially considered on the autism spectrum, there are so many facets of the two that are the same I think it is almost natural, at least for Cade, that he has them both.  Let me make it clear...Sensory Processing Disorder is not autism  But I do believe that Cade suffers from both of these disorders.  Which, by the way, makes for a fun time...

So therapy at the STAR Center was fantastic and the results we are seeing are even more fantastic...I promise to talk about those results -- that's just not my focus in this entry.  School has started, and we are so happy with how Cade is doing there.  God has blessed us richly with so many things over the last few months...I finally just now have time to stop and just deal with the Autism.  And in dealing with it I have found dire unbelief and disgust...and just plain anger.

I don't mean the "I'm angry that my son has Autism" kind of anger.  No...I am angry about so much more...so much more that I have discovered, through researching and talking and sharing with other moms...I am just plain sick to death MAD about what I am discovering.  I'm "mommy mad" -- which, by the way, has its own rating on the official Richter Scale! :) 

I have had this gut Mommy intuition that there is something more that we need to be doing for Cade...something else to help him.  Therapy has been wonderful, and going this summer has been so life-changing for our family...but I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else we needed to be doing that was medical - something that the therapy to treat the symptoms of his SPD just wouldn't touch.  So I started researching...and I probably found way more than I wanted to know...

So just so you know before I go on, I am not and have never been a super organic holistic kind of medical person.  I have friends who are, and they're great at it.  But I have just never been the type to explore the whole "nonconventional medicine" avenue.  I have always been what I thought was educated about my kids' medical care -- especially with Cade and all of his medical issues early on.  I have never thought myself to be one who blindly did what the doctors told me to do without at least thinking that it was probably the most right thing to do.  So it was only natural for me to get both boys vaccinated on time...

I bet you're saying, "Here she goes...she's going to go off on the don't vaccinate your kids kick!":  I'm not...I'm really not...saying that.  I just simply want to share with you my story...the story that I have only put together very recently...because I want to honestly share my thoughts about our life at this moment in time.  And y'all know that I will always share honestly here...you can take it or leave it. :)

So in my research at the public library I ran across the book called Mother Warriors by Jenny McCarthy.  Now I don't proclaim to say that Jenny McCarthy is a Christian, that she's the most wholesome actress or person...but I do know that she's a mom who will do whatever it takes to protect her little boy.  And sometimes I think experiences like ours make us all kindred in that way...that sometimes just jumps ahead of other qualities because we are so alike in how we feel out our kiddos.  Anyway..,.Jenny's book is the sequel I guess to her first book where she gives the story of her son, Evan, who was diagnosed with Autism.  Now I haven't read that one...I just haven't felt emotionally able to take it on yet.  But this book is different.  It is advertised to talk about how she, and other moms from around the country, supposedly "cured" their kids of Autism.  It happened through simply treating a medical problem instead of a brain problem.

Before you go and say I've gone off the deep end, because that's what I would be saying, just let me share what I read here.  So apparently, and this is documented, at least the HUGE majority of Autistic kiddos have severe belly issues...I mean real gut issues...that have plagued them since very young.  For example, many have severe diarrhea, constipation, reflux and throwing up, severe food allergies...just huge problems with their gut.  I tell you this first because Cade had these problems.  When he was born it was evident from his terrible spitting up that there was a problem with the milk.  So we changed him to soy formula.  Then he was extremely constipated...I remember literally sitting in the doctor's office parking lot on the phone with her telling her I was coming in the door right this minute because I was so sick of  them putting me off.  When all was said and done it was determined that he also had an allergy to soy, and we promptly put him on a hypo-allergenic formula that was to magically fix all of his belly issues.

Now let me just shorten this tirade to say that his belly issues, looking back, were never really fixed...he threw up his whole first year of life and then had diarrhea his whole second year of life.  He had diarrhea for 90 straight days when he was almost 2.  They did an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, and even took biopsies...only to tell us that he had "Toddler's Diarrhea" - which seemed like a made up answer meaning "we have no idea what is causing it."  He had been diagnosed with a casein/milk protein allergy at shortly after he turned 1...it was always something.  At 3 they determined that his milk protein allergy had gone away, and it seemed true because when we fed him milk products all was ok with his belly.

So I identified with the moms in the book...his gut problems were always there and they were very mysterious.  And he was born with them, at least in part.  As I read on they talked about the fact that there was a point in their child's development when he or she just seemed to "turn off".  I remember worrying early on that there was something going on with Cade...I even called a friend of mine who son has Autism with concerns about infant hand-flapping.  But that was really his only symptom...he met all of his milestones.  He had several very clear words at 11 months old, and he was happy and well-adjusted.

Sometime between 12 and 13 months old Cade stopped talking.  He didn't really withdraw, he just lost his words.  He would still interact with people, but every single word he said came out to be "Ba."  I immediately took him to the pediatrician who suggested we have his hearing tested.  The ENT discovered undetectable eardrums because there was so much fluid.  They promptly recommended ear tubes, and he had them put in around 16 months.  We worked with him tirelessly to help him regain some words...and he did, but very slowly.  It was around that time that he began having SEVERE meltdowns...I can vividly remember him flailing in the front yard screaming.  It was always over something small...like if his wagon wouldn't turn correctly or the wheel fell off of his car.  He would run in circles, scream, crash into things, throw things...it was awful.  He would wake up from naps and be a complete mess...he would scream and cry and be completely uncontrollable for over a hour.  Eric and I finally began force-feeding him shortly after he woke up because we truly believed his blood sugar was low and causing him to meltdown.  I now believe that the eating simply stimulated his inner ear vestibular system and worked as a calming effect on whatever it was that had sent him over the edge.

I believe that the overwhelming majority of children are well...typical kiddos without any issues with their immune system or neurological gaps in their brains.  I believe that these kids can fight off the assault of the majority of toxins that seem to occur in our country.  And I believe that most go undetectable in their little systems, and all turns out great for them.

But I believe that some of our kiddos have a tendency, for whatever reason, to have a weakened immune system or neurological issue that makes them a little more vulnerable to the onslaught of these same toxins.  And I think when enough of those toxins are put into their little bodies then they have no choice to react --because the assault is just too much for them.  And I believe that when that happens a switch is triggered...and the switch is called Autism.

Looking back, I believe that something happened to Cade when he was 12 months old that caused his behavior to take a nose dive.  I think he was definitely much more fragile than we ever realized, and that fragility left him open to major problems when he was introduced to things that really shouldn't have been there anyway.  And yes, I'll say it, I do think that it had something to do with the vaccinations he received as a baby.

You can believe it, you can call it bogus...it doesn't really matter to me what you choose to believe.  I just believe that every single mom must do what she believes is best for her own child.  I can only sit and wonder what would have happened, what Cade's years so far on this earth would have been like, if I hadn't held him down on the table while the nurse poked him with what I believe altered the course of his life - all of our lives - forever.  And I believe that the artificial preservatives that kept those vaccines able to be mass produced have the same effect of those that are now being put into the foods we eat.  Did you know that in this country foods that have been genetically modified are not even required to be labeled as such?  And it just makes me sick that nobody will even listen, much less be held accountable for what is happening to our kiddos. 

They say that 1 in 94 boys in this country now are on the Autistic Spectrum.  Somewhere around 85% of them also have Sensory Processing Disorder.  Another much smaller percentage also have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety, and an even smaller percentage also have ADHD.  We are a family living with all of those things.  And as much as it breaks my heart that it could have been something that, at least in part, I could have prevented, I cannot go back.  I can only look forward.  And I can be just one more voice to share our experience.  And I pray that one day soon I will also be able to share how we healed our little boy of Autism...

Again, I share this not to offend or judge.  Every parent must do what they believe to be the very best thing for their kiddo.  I just think it should really be our right  to make those decisions completely informed with all of the facts...and with the facts not tainted by what the government, medical community, pharmaceutical companies, huge chemical companies, or anyone else with ulterior motives think we should be given.  And I don't believe everything is a "one size fits all" kind of deal.  I think some consideration should be given to what we are doing and how much of it we are doing.  And it just makes me so sad to see so many of us with kids that are so sick being forced to find out this information on our own...if there is nothing to hide then put it all out on the table and prove it! 

As I took my little boy out of his new therapy swing that we have installed in out new sensory playroom (more to come on that later), the swing that allows him to self-regulate enough for his body to wind down, I kissed him an extra time.  And I simply said "I'm sorry."  For although I know that I cannot blame myself for all that has happened to Cade, I do believe that trusting in the wrong people changed his life.  And for that I am truly heartbroken.

** This is probably the one and only post I will do on this subject of vaccinations and toxins in our environment and their link to Autism.  I am trying really hard to move forward and help heal Cade...and I know that with that being my primary focus everything else will just work itself out.  Thanks for letting me vent...and feel free to chime in with your opinions, criticisms, or just plain hate mail. :) **

Regrouping for reality

What a week it has been!  We got back to Charleston a week ago...and we had to hit the ground running.  With preschool starting for Kai on Tuesday morning and a meeting with the special needs team at the elementary school for Cade, I wasn't really sure which way was up.  I have spent the week getting both boys started in school, trying to get unpacked, and just plain getting back to our reality here.

 Kai was very excited to start to school this year!

And he loves his new lunch box from Nana and Pappy!

On Tuesday I met with the special needs team at the elementary school where Cade will be attending PreK.  We had been agonizing with the decision on where to put Cade this year...the preschool he previously attended just doesn't fit anymore with his special needs.  We knew this year would be a critical one, and I wanted to get it started off right.  I also knew that the public schools have to meet his needs as best that they can, and there's something to be said about having a forced hand.  So the public school won out.  I have had a great relationship with the school psychologist there since May when she first tested Cade...God certainly blessed us with Ms. Beth...so I just closed my eyes and jumped with the whole school situation.

The meeting Tuesday was excellent...the school OT was there as well as the psychologist and Cade's teacher.  All were very receptive to our concerns, and the team even volunteered to create some extra helps for Cade that we had not requested.  All in all I felt very good after leaving the meeting on Tuesday -- I just had to psych myself up for his first day on Thursday.

All I can say is God intervened in such a huge way on Thursday.  Cade goes to school in what is called the "afternoon" session of the PreK there -- 11:20-2:10.  I spent the morning stressing about what "perfect" sensory activities I needed to do with Cade in order to help him be the most regulated that he could be before his first day.  I also spent some time reading a book with him called "The First Day of School" where we talked all about school and put stickers on each page.  I was a basket case...Cade was completely oblivious of what was happening.

Burning off some steam before school starts.

I have often said that God gave special needs kids the ability to be oblivious...to just not even really be aware of what was happening, just to protect them from worrying about it.  Cade knew he was going to "Big Boy School" -- we had talked about it a lot.  But when I talked about it with him on Thursday morning he didn't seem to really get it.  He wasn't nervous or anxious, just the same old Cade hanging out with me. 

So on the way to school I'm praying REALLY HARD....praying that he would not cry when I left him (and that I would not cry when I left him!), praying that he wouldn't have a meltdown when he got into class, praying that his teacher would love him.  But most of all I was praying that he would make friends...that he would fit in with the other kids, who had already been there two weeks and all knew each other.  You see, when Cade meets a new person he typically will hiss or growl at them.  No idea why - it's just what he does.  And now that he's 4 that's going to be a much bigger problem than it has been before. 

So we park and walk up to the sidewalk to wait for the teacher to come out and get the kids to walk them to class.  As I walk up I check with another mom there just to make sure we're in the right place.  That's when she asks about whether this is Cade's first day.  And then the Heavens opened...God sent little Jennifer into our world.  Her daughter walks up to Cade and says, "Hi, my name is Jennifer.  What is your name?"  Ok, so now I'm holding my breath and probably even gritting my teeth, just waiting for the hiss that is sure to follow.  Cade says, "My name is Cade."  You could have knocked me over with a feather. 

I continue to stare at him as he runs around with Jennifer, gets on the yellow line and waits for the teacher, then engages in conversation with her and shows her the book that he has placed in his backpack.  Other than being completely enamoured by the school bus, which he insists he wants to ride, all was pretty calm.  The teacher comes out, the kids all turn around and follow her....and Cade is walking in line taking to Jennifer and the other kids as if he's been there every day of his 4-year-old life.  I swallow the lump in my throat long enough to say to his teacher, "I think I'll just let him walk in from right here," and turn around and head to my car.

Cade is digging in his backpack...

to show his book to his new friend!

Of course I prayed for Cade throughout the rest of his short school day, but he got into the van in the afternoon hot and tired and very hungry, but with no issues from school.  Friday his teacher let me know that things had gone very well, and he was even able to talk about his day to us that night (ok, so all we really know is that they had cookies and carrots for snack and there are something called "work-together horses" on the playground, but that's progress...).

It has taken me this entire week to process coming home from Denver.  I have felt overwhelmed with our changing journey...a little like a deer in the headlights.  It has been a little tough to come home from Denver, where everything was pretty safe, to being on our own here.  And starting school has been emotional for me -- after our experience over the last year it has been hard to trust someone else to take care of my little boy and help him with his special needs.  But I have regrouped, and I have survived our first week.  Now on to our new reality...



Denver Diary: Our journey is nearing an end...

We have now been in Denver for 33 days and our journey is nearing an end.  We fly out very early Sunday morning.  As we are wrapping things up here I cannot help but feel a bit overwhelmed...overwhelmed by all that we have experienced through this huge undertaking.  It is hard for me to believe that after so much work, planning, anticipation, and yes - worry - that we are getting ready to head home for good.

We have experienced so many miracles...it is hard to comprehend all that God has brought us to see through bringing Cade here.  His therapy, though so super hard, has been such an unbelievable blessing.  We all have been stretched further than we thought possible, and we have made it through to the other side being so much stronger.  We have learned so much about ourselves here, so much about being Cade's parents, that it is simply impossible to put into words.

We will miss the STAR Center and all it has to offer...it made Cade's work so much easier!

Most importantly, we are bringing back a very different little boy than we left with in early July.  Cade has made remarkable gains here...he has learned coping strategies, how to communicate, ways to more appropriately play...he has worked so hard here without him even knowing it.  We have watched him go from a little boy who was frustrated almost all of the time to one that can bring himself out of his frustration with coping skills.  We have watched him blossom here...my heart is full from all that Cade has gotten from our time at the STAR Center.

Here Cade is bringing himself out of a meltdown...he is "retreating" to a place where he can have his "own space" -- much better than yelling and screaming!!

And we have learned how to play with Cade.  That may sound simply ridiculous...but playing with Cade needs to be so intentional because we are striving to retrain his brain.  And this has not been an easy job!  But we now know what avenues are the most important to take with him.  We have learned what we need to work hard to strive for, and what is simply not as important in his development.  I have watched Eric bark like a dog and "fetch" more times than I can count - and all without embarrassment, disdain, or regret.  I have watched Cade create new ideas with much more complication than I ever thought he would be able to do...and I have watched him be so excited about doing it.

Cade discovered some pom-poms...and introduced "Pom-Pom Fighting!"

J taught Cade how to play the game "Guess Who?"  I'm thinking it's going to be one of his favorites!

The next American Idol??

We will miss Julianna so much...she has been such a calm ray of light in the middle of this crazy, and sometimes seemingly relentless, process.  I thank God that he placed her right in the middle of Cade's life when he needed her the most.  I have watched him grow to truly love her, and I know he is going to forever hold her someplace deep in his little heart.  And I know that whenever we are struggling I can always pull from her advice that she has so richly given us, and hopefully be able to dig deep enough to find what I need.

Cade and "J" as he so affectionately calls her.

Having fun in the "Rainbow Room"

Denver has been remarkable.  We have grown so much, seen so much, struggled so much, and celebrated so much.  You all know that I am truly a Southern girl at heart, but I will always have such a special feeling for this place.  In the midst of all of its beauty and grandeur it surely holds some secret power that God placed right in the middle of the Rocky Mountains...I'm pretty sure that it will always draw me back for another, perhaps more relaxing, visit.

The mountain view...

Red Rocks Amphitheatre

But for now we are headed back to reality.  A different reality. We are headed back to the world where we must make everything flow smoothly, make sense of it as much as we can, and just keep on plugging along.  For as far as we have come here, we still have so far to go on our journey with Sensory Processing Disorder, Autism, ADHD, OCD, and many other labels that have found their way into our lives over the past year.  We are headed head first into a brand new school year -- the first as a "special needs family."  I will be entrusting my little boy to the hands of the public school PreK this year.  And I will be hopeful that he will encounter the love and support he needs to get his school experience off to a good start. 

But we are headed back with such a remarkable support system in place.  For in this journey, too, we have learned to lean on friends and family when the going gets tough  We have learned to not only accept blessings, but to truly rejoice when they come our way.  God has put so many in our path...those that helped us when our journey was just beginning and those that continue to be prayer warriors for us all along the way.  And those who have become true lasting friends, forever friends, bonded simply by our experience of trying to help our babies.  And God gave us Heather, our OT at home, who already has become such an important person to our family...I hope she is ready to "take the wheel" when we return!  To all, I could never say thank you enough for being a part of such a remarkable time in our lives...we will never forget the sacrifices and prayers you have given up for our little boy.

So goodbye, Denver.  Thank you for the special, magical time you have given my family here.  Thank you for the laughter, the memories, and the healing.  And most of all, thank you for helping to change the life of my little boy for the better.  You will forever be in my heart...

Cade and Eric at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre...Cade's energy never waivers!

Cade insisted that I take his picture with every purple trash can in Red Rocks park!!

Cade gave me a heart attack...his "no fear policy" is stressful sometimes!

Farewell Rocky Mountains...hope to see you again someday!

Denver Diary Day 30: The Squeaky Wheel

Cade is always the squeaky wheel...the one who everyone turns around and looks at and probably wonders about...the one who gets advice - sometimes out loud and sometimes just through a look.  He is the one who is considered demanding and hard...the one who sometimes struggles to keep a game going when the rules are not really what he wants or expects...the one who is sometimes hard to figure out.

It's hard to always be the squeaky wheel.  The squeaky wheel is the first to get noticed when he is climbing - on anything.  The squeaky wheel is the first to get the second look - the first to be called down and the last to be given the benefit of the doubt. The squeaky wheel is the first to be left behind the play huddle...and the first to be underestimated based solely on appearances.

Yes, he is the squeaky wheel.  But squeaky wheels aren't always bad.  Squeaky wheels still work hard to turn even though there is something causing them to squeak.  They are always heard and cause people to turn and look, only to show their stuff when the time is right.  Squeaky wheels are drawn to all other wheels, whether those wheels are squeaky or not, and still love to be around them.  And even the squeaky wheel is required in order for the vehicle to do it's job.

In the moments when I seek to make my little boy be somebody he's just not, I try to remember that he is actually exactly who God created him to be...and what he is doing is actually what God expected him to do.  He is fulfilling the mission on this earth just as God has planned for him at this moment in his life.  And my job as his mom is just to help the squeaky wheel remain on course, and maybe oil him a little now and then with love and support...and just to let God continue to use him for blessings.

Day 29: The dirty deed

**Disclaimer:  If you work, or have ever worked, as a shoe salesperson I hope you don't find this offensive.  For us moms out there...well, this is just the truth! :) **

Today was another day off from OT, and Cade woke up bouncing off the walls.  So since Eric had to get some work done I decided that he and I would take a field trip to the Super Target, and then go shoe shopping while we were there.  Why?  Probably because I temporarily lost my mind, but off we went anyway bouncing along the way!

Cade sitting on the huge "Target Ball"

Cade did great at Target -- he had a gift card from Nana and Pappy and was super excited to spend it!  He definitely has his father's "money burns a whole in my pocket" demeanor...there's very little saving from this kid!  But I always love it when he goes with his own money...and he is certainly much pickier then.  Today he settled on a kids' bowling set.  I was actually really happy with his choice...there is a mini bowling ball and weighted little pins that are big enough to actually let us play a "real" game. 

Cade proudly displaying his Bowling Set!

Then we went shoe shopping.  Now let me just say that this is about the least amount of fun I can have as Cade's mom.  First of all, shoe stores are NOT sensory-friendly.  In fact, I don't even think they are kid-friendly.  There are racks of shoes teetering on tiny little shelves, just waiting for little hands to swoop by and scoop them all to the floor.  And then there's those standing displays - you know the ones - little pieces of plastic that display the latest and greatest (and most expensive) shoes in the store...just screaming to a sensory kiddo like Cade, "Come on, buddy, climb on me!  See how high you can get!  Hurry on over!!"   I also adore how there's always only one employee working in the store when you go in to actually buy something - when you're just window-shopping they jump on you like white on rice.  But when you actually need their help it is all they can do to stop counting the endless pairs of shoes that for some reason they have piled a mile high onto the counter where you are supposed to pay and pry themselves back to the kids section, which, by the way, is ALWAYS in the back of the store.  I personally think the kids section of a shoe store should have a whole separate entrance and be completely encased with walls and doors where nobody but an adult can open it to get out.  And making the walls padded might not be such a bad idea...but I digress...

So we go into the shoe store, Cade proudly carrying two of his new bowling pins.  He really wanted to take in the ball, too, but I talked him out of that one, envisioning the nightmare that would be left behind in his wake.  So I say to the one man working in the entire store, "Can you help me?  I need to have my son's foot measured so I can make sure I buy the right size?"  To which Mr. Shoe Man slowly says something to the effect of "what I'd rather do is just stand here behind all of these shoe boxes and you can just take care of it yourself...the measuring things are in the back of the store in the kids section..."  I rest my case.  But he did assure me he would be there shortly to help me...we WERE the only customers in the entire store, so I'm not really sure what could have been more important than us at that moment, but whatever.  I herded Cade to the back corner.

Now it was around this time that I realized that allowing him to bring in the bowling pins was probably a really bad idea.  I was initially thinking they were perfect...they would keep his hands occupied and what harm could he do without the actual ball?  Mistake...apparently I had made a momentary lapse of "Sensory Mom Judgement" -- I KNOW Cade can find almost anything to do with anything.  So as I herded him to the back of the store he proceeds to use his bowling pins as drum sticks, and he plays a "tune" on every shelf on the way back.  Of course I know that this lovely symphony my son is creating will only delay any help from Mr. Shoe Man even more.  So I decide to take matters in my own hands.

I immediately rush around to find one of those dumb little measuring things for kids' feet.  Does anyone else think these things are ridiculous?!  I mean, not only do you have to make sure that your kid has his foot all the way back, but then you have to make sure that it's on the right side.  And then you have to attempt to decipher the zillions of numbers on the thing.  I mean, we live in America last time I checked...I have no idea why there are french/german/who knows what measurements on the measuring thingy.  And I am doing all of this, mind you, while trying to get my sensory-craving 4-year-old to just stand up tall and be still...while he is practically laying on the seat where I am trying to measure him, all the while continuing his "drumfest."

About this time lovely Mr. Shoe Man walks up.  I am practically laying in the floor trying to get Cade's foot exactly where it is supposed to be and see the tiny little numbers, while trying to figure out which ones are actual American measurements, all without my glasses mind you.  So surely Mr. Shoe Man will take over, right?  Wrong!  He simply stands over me and says, "You might want to turn him around to face you...it makes the numbers much easier to see."  What I say back to him, but only in my head, is, "You might want to stoop down here and do your JOB and measure my son's foot, because the longer we stay in your store the faster and louder this drumming symphony is gonna get!"  But instead I say nothing...I just turn Cade around and line his foot up. 

This brings me to the next ridiculous part of the foot measuring thingy.  Why, when your kid's foot lines up with the 10 1/2 line does the shoe man then tell you, "Well, it's close to the 11 so you'll probably need to get either an 11 1/2 or a 12."  WHAT?!  So basically I could have just blindfolded myself and pulled out a box and been almost as successful and the craziness of the last 10 minutes trying to use this dumb thing.  All I can say is it obviously wasn't invented by a MOM!!

It is at this point that I remember that Cade is wearing Crocs, and of course we are here to buy tennis shoes, which means I need socks.  Helpful Mr. Shoe Man says, "Do you have socks?"  to which I say, "No, but I guess I'll be buying some," to which he says, "You can use one of these," and hands me one of those ridiculous footie things.  I'm thinking, yeah right...I can see me getting that on Cade's foot.  I laugh to myself and say, "I probably should just buy socks because of the thickness" and head over to find the cheapest pack I can find.  Then I set about the task of helping Cade pick out some shoes.

Like most kids Cade is very visual, which means he picks out shoes based solely on the colors.  Usually this is a pain, but this time I find a pair of Nike's with a green stripe - one of Cade's favorite colors - and begin to scan the shelves for the right size...whatever that is.  I pull out an 11 1/2 and again herd Cade back to the seat to try them on.  By this time he has made it to the middle of the shoe store with his bowling pin serenade and isn't really that interested in stopping to try on shoes.  I finally get him back and pull the socks apart to get them on.  I am wrestling the socks onto his foot while he is reared back talking on the "phone" -- because of course I pick a seat for him that has an advertisement on the back with a picture of a giant phone.  He is telling who knows who all about the fact that he is shoe shopping and putting on socks and cannot talk right now.  I'm pulling out these gigantic shoes that literally look like skies on my little boy, realizing that an 11 1/2 is WAY too big.  I tell Cade to stay put (yeah, right!) and rush back to the shelf to get a smaller size (imagine that...he actually wears the size that the foot thingy measured instead of two sizes larger).  Of course when I return Cade in his sock feet are no longer there...I quickly find him on the next aisle and scoop him back up on the seat.

We finally try on the shoes and get them all tied up, and Cade is doing his "test run" from one side of the store to the other.  And about this time Eric calls.  He sweetly tells me that he sure wishes he could have gone (no duh...I sure wish that, too!), and that he really needs shoes.  So now, mostly because the store has a buy one get one half off thing going on, I am set upon the task of getting a new pair of shoes for Eric.  Cade, who has insisted that because these new shoes make him run really fast and even let him balance on one foot that he must wear them out, is very close to using up whatever is left of his shopping patience.  So we gather up the bowling pins/drum sticks, the socks and the package (half of which is stuck on Cade's face), and head over to the men's section.  I quickly found a pair that I thought Eric would like, knowing that he could return them later if he didn't, and headed up to pay and get out of here.

Now Mr. Shoe Man surely must have known that I was in a hurry.  But when I walked to the counter he meandered around those infamous mile-high shoe boxes...they were piled so deep I couldn't even get my purchases onto the counter.  He then tells me that Cade has to take off his shoes because he has to check the size.  WHAT?!  Man, I just spent a zillion minutes checking the size...why in the world would I buy two shoes with two different sizes.  But he must check, so I coax Cade to sit down while I remove his shoes to be checked.  Now Cade wasn't happy about this...he wanted to wear his shoes out, and taking them off wasn't on his radar screen.  He literally lays down on the floor in front of the counter while I plop down on the floor beside him.  I get them off and practically fling them at Mr. Shoe Man, who casually says, "Yep, they're both size 11," and hands them back.  I then wrestle them back on Cade's feet and double-tie them (because for some reason whoever makes shoes believes that kids' shoes must have 4 feet of laces...), then hand him my phone to watch a show on and send him to sit by the window. 

i am ready...I have my money out (which, by the way is a ton  now that Cade is in a bigger size...I will never understand why shoes are so expensive!) and am trying to wait patiently as Mr. Shoe Man painstakingly slowly completes my purchase.  I call to Cade, who by the time Mr. Shoe Man is finished is already doing another "test run" on his new shoes in the back of the store, then help him retrace his steps to find our bowling pins which have been traded in for a million other "finds" inside of the shoe store.  Finally we make it out!

One day I will find another way to complete this monstrous task before school starts every year (if anyone wants to volunteer feel free!).  But for now I am happy to say that the dirty deed is DONE for this year.  Now please, Lord, keep his foot the same size for a while, at least until May!

And here they are...

Denver Diary Days 27 and 28: What is normal?

So over the past few days as things have started to get better with Cade, Eric and I have been saying that our days seem "almost normal."  So that got me to thinking...what is normal, anyway?!  I mean, we all think we have our own normal...we go through our days doing what we think we should, usually keeping things basically the same.  And we figure out what we need to do to keep ourselves and our families "normal."

Normal for us isn't always the same.  I mean, I think we consider normal being that we will need to keep things minimally chaotic and make sure we have plenty of time for transitions.  And we know that we'll need to get plenty of activities in for Cade's sensory diet in order to make him more settled.  And we figure that we'll probably field a couple of meltdowns throughout the day, and try to redirect.  And certainly I will be digging Kai out of something he isn't supposed to be in to!

But although we can usually count on all of these things, I just wonder what we really consider to be normal.  Life certainly isn't what we expected, that's for sure.  And although we grieve for the life that we thought we would have - being the parents we expected to be - it seems that we have just settled in for the long haul.  And it's a haul that we've become familiar with, one that we've even embraced (at least most of the time!).  And even though it isn't always easy there are certainly always rewarding parts to it all. 

So today normal for us was a grouchy little 4-year-old, fielding a few meltdowns this morning, a calm evening with a sleeping child, and then feeding that same child a pb&j at midnight!  And I'm sure tomorrow there will be a new normal.  But I think that's not really a bad thing.  I think having our normal be different keeps us on our toes.  And it certainly keeps us always looking up -- which certainly cannot be a bad thing...

This is how Cade spent the entire afternoon...his "nap" turned into all-out exhaustion and he slept until just before midnight, when he woke up starving!  And now we're trying to get him back to bed...oh, the joys!!