Blessings

Tonight I'm just a sad sack...there's just no other way to put it.  On almost every day I am able to celebrate the successes of both of our boys, find joy in all (ok, almost all!) that they do, and generally be thankful.  Today just hasn't been one of those days.  I'm not sure why that is, unless waking up to Cade's screaming from the backyard to let him in (yes, he had opened the door and was outside before we were even up) just sent my mind into a downward spiral for the day.  And the fact that a meltdown from my little man ensued quickly after he was pulled back inside the house lest he wake all the neighbors with his incessant hollering, maybe that was what really started it.  Whatever it was, today has just been a "down in the dumps" kinda day.

I hate to be sad.  Being sad makes you think about all of the rotten, unfair, unfriendly, and generally yucky things that are going on right now.  Being sad just magnifies everything that might be just a little bad on another day - makes things seem a much bigger deal than they would be any other time.  Being sad makes me grouchy, too...it makes me not want to try too hard to go out of my way to make anyone else feel better.

I talked to God today.  I will be honest and say I gave Him a piece of my mind.  I let Him know just how unfair it is that He made things hard, that things aren't the way I thought they would be.  I told Him all about how mad I am that He made my little boy struggle, how mad I am that his days aren't that of a typical little 4-year-old boy.  I squawked about how just watching him on the playground off in another world makes me cry for him.  But mostly I let God know how mad I am that He didn't make that change.

I heard one time that God doesn't mind when we feel the need to fuss at Him - that He can take it all.  I hope that is true.  I believe that God knows we sometimes need to unload our cares, and He is the only one that can take all of that pain and hurt and actually turn it into something good.  And I do believe that He knows that deep down I do still love and honor Him.  And that, even though I painfully crave with all that I am for Cade to just be a typical little boy and for us to go back to the day when things weren't wrong and he was just another happy little boy without a care in the world...even still I know that we will find ourselves blessed to have come through this trial stronger - more deeply thankful - than we would have ever been without it.

So I think it is ok to be sad sometimes.  For I think it is only in these most vunerable moments that we can find our true place in the world...and remember that this isn't really our world at all.  This temporary home has temporary trials.  We just have to find a way to muddle through - to be courageous, be honest, be dependent on Him - and just to sit back and enjoy the blessings...